You can put the blame on me !!!!

I do not dare to hope that I will have even the least of my conscience left to disagree with you for I have lost my right to claim my own conscience.The reason as I will state without any sheep's clothing is my own incompetence and impotence. To have been powerless and feeble against the tides of resentment of my own self for despising you; you who is serene and competent in every manner. I despise you because even in the stormiest nights during the thunder and lightening even a silhouette which imitates you makes me cry in despair; for redemption which is impossible to achieve. An atonement for my own sins- sins which were all but my own amorous desires. I loved you- yes I said it right- I still do but do not have the nerve to stand by you. I despoiled it with my own kinky audacity.
I am not a misogynist but a misogamist but neither am I an asinine who can't empathize with your holy emotions. It was my kinky audacity that accompanied me into this ordeal. And so when a silhouette appears with your imitation I cry with self hatred. Hatred of the self to be unable to restraint myself from the lowliest of all desires, which I myself despise. I am no more the man you loved or rather he never existed. But still though sinful I will scream with all conceit that-I loved you and still do. I do not know how this depravity engulfed me.
And now if you say- get out of my life- I will do my best not to hurt you anymore...

(------------------------------------)

What is nothingness? This too is something that someday somehow in someway resides in us. And it is only when it takes refuge that we strain ourselves to know its true nature. The nature of feeling that we encounter when it's nothing, simply void. Mostly we end up finding nothing in this nothingness but at times I have felt, like today, which too is a feeling, a human emotion.

I am trying hard to figure out now what exactly it is and its true nature. Feeling is a spontaneous reaction of our brain, never rests and neither does thoughts, which are sometimes recognised and sometimes passed away, ignored or reflected but does keeps us occupied. So do I conclude that there is no feeling or any thought in mind during nothingness which too might be implicitly being audacious to cast away the results of scientists and researchers all over the world who claim that human mind is a perrenial machine which doesnt break off. Or maybe its just thinking of no thought. Well to enure I must be observant which again requires the company of nothingness. Unfortunately i'll have to wait for its next visit.

The lovely petals

I held it as my honor that I would never need anyone. I need you.

It had been my pride that I had always acted on my convictions. I've given in to a desire which I despise. It is a desire that has reduced my mind, my will, my being, my power to exist into an abject dependence upon you—not even upon the person whom I admired—but upon your body, your hands, your mouth and the few seconds of a convulsion of your muscles. I had never broken my word. Now I've broken an oath I gave for life. I had never committed an act that had to be hidden. Now I am to lie, to sneak, to hide. Whatever I wanted, I was free to proclaim it aloud and achieve it in the sight of the whole world.

Now my only desire is one I loathe to name even to myself. But it is my only desire. I'm going to have you—I'd give up everything I own for it, the achievement of my whole life. I'm going to have you at the price of more than myself: at the price of my self esteem—and I want you to know it. I want no pretense, no evasion, no silent indulgence, with the nature of our actions left unnamed. I want no pretense about social conduct and actions. I want no shred of honor left to us, to hide behind. I've never begged for mercy. I've chosen to do this—and I'll take all the consequences, including the full recognition of my choice. It's depravity—and I accept it as such—and there is no height of virtue that I wouldn't give up for it. Now if you wish to slap my face, go ahead. I wish you would.

At least I would have the serenity to call myself a man, a man who is in love.

Every morning

It was 5:30 in the morning when I opened my eyes after the eight hour long sound sleep. Didn't feel like sleeping anymore so woke up to the garden. It was dawn and there wasn't a single living creature awake. It wasn't cold but calm and quite. So calm that the tree leaves and bamboo sprouts felt dead. The grass merely felt like a carpet to my bare foot. I could feel even my own body moving. But then in a few seconds I realized that there was something else moving besides me. It was a painter. He seemed happy and devoting his whole energy to his painting. I drew myself closer to him so that I could have a glance of his painting.
The painting was beautiful with mountain roofs and the surroundings exactly the way it really existed. But he wasn't satisfied and kept adding colors to it. He made the mountain roofs brighter and the sky bluer. The restless painter wasn't yet satisfied and so he brought a crown in between through the mountains: a bright energy that gave life to the entire painting as if he intended to bring hope and joy to his creation. Even the dead tree leaves and the bamboo shoots now felt alive. And the grass looked greener than ever. I realized myself smiling and heard from behind my mother saying "Good morning dear son". I replied with the same gentle smile "Good morning, its wonderful every morning". --^_^--

Overview of home

Feel like am standing right there..... :P

Home...

Ancestral home at kalimpong subdivision of Darjeeling. Grandpa did make this house in 1936.



J.B.Subba and C.M.Subba


And ofcourse my mom.

Who is faster?

One evening I was there on the roof of my college building. All alone I stood there facing the red sun, and trying to reach the horizon with my sight. From far away I could see two birds flying distinctly. They were flying towards the college building. As it came closer, I realized that it wasn't two birds but some unique creatures. And in a few seconds the two creatures were standing right in front of me.
One was Pegasus, the white flying horse and other the flying dragon! I had read in mythology that Pegasus was the fastest horse and was used by humans to reach the Gods. I wondered the distances I could cover riding this horse and the places I could see. I could reach my home and meet my parents. It had been a year since I last meet my parents.
Then I turned to the Flying dragon which would be even faster than the Pegasus. It was a huge dragon and could also burst fireballs! I could feel its strength in the sound of its breath and the blood flowing through the dark veins all over its body. I could fly so fast with it that I never had to return. I could be the one living man powerful than the rest.
But soon I realized that I was standing all alone and the sun had set. The rays of the red sun could now only reach the high red clouds...